Oh Snap!!!

Yes folks, I went to the Pride celebrations. Its usually something I don't do, mainly cause I'm a little old to be running around Atlanta trying to find a dude to dance dirty with. I've never been a person that likes to go out too much anyways. Once every few months is fine. But I actually had a really fun time with Thom. I do wish some of our other friends could have made it and that some other friends were not drunk out of their mind, but hey, that's the way it goes. Of course the night was not without it's minor controversy.

I have a good friend, who I really like to hang out with. I used to like him romantically (and I mean he is cute as hell and nice) and at times still do, but as fate would have it, he didn't like me. And it's cool, because you cant always get what you want. No reason I can't be a good friend. But some strange stuff went down last night and I had to lay down the hammer. So before we went to Atlanta, I let him know I was coming and if he felt up to going out then that would be cool. Although i didn't exactly know how he was gonna get into anywhere cause he's 20. So we went ahead and went to Blake's and met him there. Again, I have no clue how he got in, but whatever, bitches be resourceful these days. So the place is packed, and I happen to like that bar. I might go back if I feel so compelled. Anyways, turns out my friend is hanging with someone who....well....I just don't agree with or like at all really.

Now look. It's a person that I don't exactly mesh well with. We used to run in the same circles somewhat back in the day. And that's fine since I'm not going to get along with everyone, and I am perfectly capable of being civil when I see him. And I don't know everything about the kid, but what I HAVE seen makes me feel justified in saying he and I will never be the best of friends. And I made my friend aware of this and let him know that I really didn't want much to do with this guy. So my friend is hanging out with this dude, and I noticed, not really at all trying to integrate Thom and I into his little new group of friends. Again. Cool with me. Makes sense as I don't really get along with them and as long as he is having fun, then go ahead and enjoy your night. Of course all of a sudden he just leaves to go to Wetbar, without really telling me. Again. Cool beans. It's a crowded club and he probably could not find me. We planned to make our way to Wetbar despite the outrageous cover of $20. Personally I would rather spend my $20 elsewhere, but it's Pride so I'll bend the rules a bit

So I go to Wetbar and run into my friend a few times. All of a sudden he's in a corner crying and swaying because he is tore up drunk. The dude I don't like so much is trying to console him or rape him or something. Honestly I don't know because it was hot as hell in there. I mean there was a freaking fog it was so hot. Shirtless men running around doing crystal meth. If there would be a picture for the word sin, this would be it. I just made my way outside, where I saw William Sledd of "Ask a gay man" fame on Youtube.

Anyways, my friend is looking horrible. And honestly it makes me feel horrible too. I hate when my friends are like that or crying or throwing up in a corner. It's almost instinct for me to try and fix it, or make a joke or something. It's the nursing gene or whatever. So he's off crying and as it turns out, Wetbar is not so fun so Thom and I are going to leave. We let my friend know that we are going and ask him if he needs a ride and where he is staying and all that. Turns out, he drove there himself, he's drunk as all hell, and he is supposed to be staying at some dudes hotel room, whose name escaped him. But that's his choice, so I let him know if he needed anything to just call or text me and we left.

So Thom and I walk all the way back to the car and as we are pulling off to go home, he calls me and tells me to come back. So we head on back, because if there is a motto I live by, then it's leave no man behind. We get back and he needs us to drive him to his ex-boyfriends place for the night. Cool. I know his ex, and I feel comfortable doing that and leaving him in the care of someone who knows him well and cares about him. Of course, I knew the dude who I didn't like would not be pleased at this, but whatever, I'm not leaving a homie behind. So we walk all the way across downtown Atlanta to get to his car. So we are driving and about ready to have Thom follow us when the dude I don't like calls. I don't know what was said, but after a lot of squaking and yelling, my friend is like ok I'll stay. And tells me to take him back to the parking deck so he can stay and go to the hotel room.

Now look. I don't know if I was right for this. But I pulled over the car and told him to get there himself, and to also never call me if he needed help again. Here's my thing. You are 20 years old and not of age to be drinking in the first place. Drunk off your ass in Atlanta. You've already called me back from leaving to come get you. Never said thank you for doing so. Your ordering me to drive you places like I have to do this shit. It's three in the morning and you want to rip and run the streets of Atlanta looking like a hot mess? And you want me to take you to some strangers hotel room, who I don't really trust or like all that much. A hotel room which, unless I am mistaken, you haven't paid a dime on? I'm not taking part of these shennanigans. It was one thing that I know his ex boyfriend, and I would have no problem taking him back home. But I am not taking you to someones hotel room who you have barely known for three months.

Maybe that's just me. I know the last thing I would want to do if I was tore up and drunk in Atlanta, is go to some random hotel room. I'm taking my ass home. There will be no boom boom room for Chris. No after party, and no I do not want to see your pictures from when you went to the white party in Miami. I certainly would not want to spend more time with someone after I burst into tears in front of him. Whether he caused it or not. I'm taking my ass home to get some bread and water. The night is over. Have we learned nothing from Kobe Bryant people?!?

And it honestly felt horrible to leave him there, but it also pissed me off because it showed a slight lack of respect on his part for my role as a friend. Number one I know well and good that if I hadnt called him then I sure as hell would not have received an invite to hang out in ATL. And when we did get there, all of a sudden your acting like we havn't hung out at all because of who your out with? I'm well aware that I am not his best friend, and that I am just one of his many friends. But I tend to treat all my friends the same as Thom, Liz, Sara and Brandon regardless of how long I have known them. And also, how whipped has this dude got you? Your a grown ass man, drunk in a place you don't need to be, and all of a sudden he calls and your running back to a random hotel room? Take your ass home. I have no problem with going out and having a good time, because we all did it. But I also had trusted friends who I had known for years, where if shit popped off, I knew they had my back.

So that was my evening. I feel bad, so I am going to have to call and talk to him about it. Then again it's not even as if he tried to see what was going on last night so. I'm cutting the fat with some of these friends. Everything must go lol. It feels kind of liberating to finally stand up though. All in all though I had a real nice time in Atlanta. I'm gonna have to try going back there a little bit. Although if your drunk and wanting to act all crazy, then don't call me.

So I am going to level with you guys about a situation that has been bothering the hell out of me for a long time. It's the fact that some of my friends suck. Now before you go calling me a bitch and all that let me explain. I do have great friends, 5 of them to be exact. We have all probably gone above and beyond the call of duty to help each other in times of crises and all that. But then I have some other friends that need to be voted off the island immediately.

Case in point. I have a friend who we shall name K.He and I hung out a lot and I really enjoyed our time playing video games and going out and drinking. And to be honest I really truly like him as a friend. You know and I wont lie...I did also like him as more than a friend, but K had a boyfriend so I kept it classy and didn't go there for the most part. Mainly because I really enjoyed our friendship. I did let him know how I felt but I made sure to tell him first and foremost our friendship was what was most important to me.

So after a few months of talking and hanging out and playing Halo 3, K admits he's had a dream about me that was sexual. I'm thinking...ok...what the hell am I supposed to do with this information? You just dont tell people about sex dreams you had about them without there being a little something something there. Especially if you have a man. So I brushed it off, and I kept it moving. Well skip to a few days later. That Friday we decided to hang out and drink and just play games and just hang out. Well what happened next makes me ashamed of myself and mad at him at the same time.

Now K and I never really discussed sexual stuff. Even in a joking funny way. And I preferred it that way cause it was nice to have a friendship where sexual tension didn't rule. So all of a sudden when we are quite drunk he asks if I have any porn and wants to watch it. I'm thinking we are going to laugh at it and make jokes like Thom and I do. Not exactly. In the middle of it I look over.....full on penis is hard in his pants. Still...I'm not there yet. I'm like "oh well thats a natural reaction". The porn ends. He wants to watch 2 more.He declares he is horny. I'm thinking ok...well.....guess that ends the night...hes going to go home to his boyfriend. Instead he gets on the bed with me.

Now keep in mind I am not an advocate of cheating at all. I don't like it and I myself have never done it. Well. I made the mistake of kissing him. And then you all know what went down next. And I felt really horrible about it because I have never been in a situation like that before where I was the other woman. And I take full responsibility for kissing him in my drunken stupor. But looking back on it....why did he want to watch porn with another guy when he had a boyfriend. Why did he even tell me he was horny? Why did he want to watch so many porns if he know he was horny. Why didn't he just excuse himself? Why did he stop 2 times during the act but keep going? Questions.....

Now skip to now. After that incident we decided to just forget about it and keep it moving. And thats fine cause I liked him as a friend. And for a few months it was chill. But now he's about to get voted off the island. For the simple fact that now I am getting treated as that backup friend. He never really wants to hang out. Its usually me inviting him to things and he says he will come and then doesn't show up. He says hes working and busy, but it's kind of funny I can get on Facebook and see him chatting it up with another mutual person we know that he has replaced me with.The one time we did hang out he trotted his boyfriend out to the restaurant we went to for trivia, thus making sure to make me feel awkward and horrible at the same time. So I mean...what friendship?

I dont really require much from my friends. Maybe an occasional phone call, text, IM, hangout or something every two weeks. But when it's to the point where I feel like I'm harassing someone to hang out...then that's where I draw the line. I know a lot of my friends are busy people and so am I for the most part. But I always make time to hang out and talk with them and find out whats going on in their lives. And vice-versa. But I'm done trying to make a friendship work when they really wont put in the effort anyways. And what kills me is the boyfriend doesn't even know about the incident. I would never tell him myself cause thats not my place, but it does make me feel horrible. It also makes me think there is more going on behind the scenes with K then I originally thought. Because looking back on it there is no way that incident wasnt in some way spontaneous like he asserts.

So I dont know...that's just one example of things that have been bothering me. I don't want friends that are just going to hang out with me whenever I happen to have alcohol, or because no one else is available to hang out with. I'm not a backup friend and I don't deserve to be treated like one by any of my friends. My friendships are very important to me. I'm trying to have close friends that I can say inappropriate things with and tell about my latest dating disaster and things like that. If you don't want to hang with me cause you feel things are awkward, then just say that. But don't come around and then expect me to forget the fact you dropped off the face of the earth for months. So yea....I'm about to cut a few folks loose. Not out of ill will. But why waste time on something when you clearly don't care about it anyways? But remind me to tell you next time about how I got dumped in a Kroger.....yea...get there....

It's been a while, I know. Before all two of you get mad. Let me explain. Crucial life changing shit has been going down in my life. Revelations and epiphanies and shit. So now all you need to know is I am back and I think I am going to start posting more. So let's get to the nitty gritty shall we?

So to get the pink elephant in the room out of the way, yes, I am still single. It's not for lack of trying either. I have been on a date with every Tom, Dick and Harry up in this mug....to no avail. But somewhere along the way of my dating rampage, I suddenly found myself not wanting to date anyone. So to be honest, no matter how much you hear me complain about being single, I actually am enjoying it for the first time. But don't worry. I have a few promising dates coming up. And there will be a "Chris's Dating Disasters" post coming up. Because once police, hospitals and getting dumped in a certain grocery store happen to you, you know thats going to be a story.

But this past year and a half has been so freaking strange and horrible but in a way a good thing. I got fired twice, had a breakup that knocked me on my ass (I'm still recovering), was actually straight up homeless at one point living out of my car, and now I am jobless just chilling out at my house like I don't have a care in the world. I actually have many cares...but that 's not really the point.

The point is..for the past year and some months it's almost like I've been moving in slow motion, while everyone is zipping around me. Like I am in that Madonna, Ray of Light video thing. Everyones been graduating and getting real jobs or getting married or other life changing stuff. And I was kinda wondering why the hell that kind of stuff wasnt happening to me. I put out good karma....I let old ladies go first at the grocery store...So what the fuck was up?

Well, honestly, I have no idea and I still don't. If I had to put my finger on it, I would probably say I had something close to clinical depressiong. I always imagine depressed people on thier couch with a box of used tissues crying into a tub of Ben and Jerry's....and now that I think about it I did that too. And you can rest assured that my sweat pants were always on duty. I'm thinking about burning them to be honest.

The best way to describe it is imagine youve fallen into a deep dark hole. For some reason I knew very well I was in a hole and it was pitch back, but really couldnt find my way out of it. Thats what it was like. And a lot of times even when you know your there, you really dont think you'll ever get out. What caused me to go into this spiral, I have no idea. At least drugs and alcohol cost way too much, but food....that's always a good thing. Anyways, all of a sudden last week, I just got it. I knew how to get out of the hole. I saw the door and said, "Fuck this shit", and I bounced right on out of that motherfucker.

So I'm feeling positive and upbeat about things.I'm all ready to grab life by the horns or whatever gross metaphor people are using these days. I'm not saying I am particularly fixed or cured or whatever, but I do think I have learned some important life lessons and stuff. Now begins the painful rehabilitation process of getting back in shape and making sure I don't fall into this hole again. But I am writing again, so that means you get to come along for the ride with me. So buckle up bitches.....

I apologize for the lack of updates, it's not like my life has not been busy or I have a lack of things to talk about. I probably could go on and on about a bunch of things in my life and bitch about them. But, I just didn't feel like it. And I really don't feel like posting now but I'm pretty bored so I figure this would be more constructive than watching more coverage of the Paris Hilton situation.

I've kind of been in a rut since, well....I don't know...I'm going to say January. I would say depression, but I don't really like to use that term because it conjures up images of someone crying in a dark corner, which I probably have done but....who wants to picture me crying in a dark corner? I think people look ugly when they cry anyways. I cant quite place my finger on why I've been down in the dumps. I have not really talked about the whole issue to anyone really. Some of my friends get bits and pieces while some of them probably have no idea that I'm generally unhappy with them and with my life in general. And this is basically because I didnt want to make a big drama about it and even if they did know there wouldent be much they could do about it.

It's interesting to note that the current position I'm in is nowhere near where I thought I would be when I was 17 and entering college. I always imagined at 21 I would be somewhere with a high powered job and a husband or some tottally irrational dream. Looking back, I might have been a bit silly. But...then all I have to do is look around me. I keep running into various people who I went to high school with. Not in person or anything. But on the internet. And....I think last time I counted about 5 of them are getting married. If I'm not mistaken two or three of them have children. And just thinking about how most people I have come into contact with during the last 4 years, a lot of them have changed. And then there's me. Who....while I think I have changed some things in my life, I've remained basically the same. And I'm working two jobs....one of which I hate because of the old people. This isn't where I thought I would be at all and more importantly It's not where I want to be.

I always had a sort of inkling about why I was so unsatisfied with where my life was headed. But I always told myself that at least I had made some good friendships along the way. And I have...I guess. Over the last month or two though, I've come to the realization that these friendships were not nearly as strong as I previously thought. A few of these people were not even my friends at all I found out. I'm not saying all of my friendships were bullshit, but I do feel on some level I was betrayed by people I had considered my best friends. People stealing, or just too involved in their own life to notice I was pretty much self destructing emotionally or whatever. So for four years I spent a lot of energy investing in relationships I always assumed would last well beyond all 50 of my college years, when in reality, I don't think really mattered as much to some of the people I was making them with.

So I've pretty much realized I'm alone. And by alone, I don't mean that I'm single, which I'm not. Nor do I mean that I don't have any friends. Cause I do. And I love my friends and all. But for the most part, I can't really rely on the people that I thought I could. Which isn't exactly a bad thing. Becoming more self reliant isn't so bad. But the past few months have been...well...not so fun...all started by be breaking up with the ex....having to find a new place.....other stuff. All of this pretty much says to me that the last 4 years of my life have been somewhat a waste of time. And that I am pretty much back where I started when I moved into 444 in Creswell. Knowing what I know now....I'm not sure if I could go back if I would have done things the same way.

Reading back through my livejournal entries through the year, I noticed a lot of post...well...a majority of them were dedicated to me complaining about my lack of boyfriend. And looking back on it, yea....I certainly was involved in some crappy situations where my kindness was taken advantage of, or I was mistreated. But I think a lot of my complaining was due to the fact that I thought if I could find a boyfriend everything else would fall into place and then I would be on my way. I no longer think that's the case and in fact I would sort of prefer being single. The funny part is....I'm not. I think a lot of the cause of me being so introspective into my life is based on me and Rich breaking up. And for some reason as sort of a time as we were togther I kind of feel like that relationship will in some way define the rest of whatever relationships I have with whoever. I'm not quite sure why. For instance, Rich was for me, what I would consider someone to be perfectly matched to my personality. I was instantly comfortable around him as well as I think he was comfortable around me. We never argued because I think for some things we were on exactly the same page. I'm not saying we had some otherworldly connection, I'm just saying that is the type of person I envisioned myself with for the rest of my life. Which could explain why every time I think of him I still get that fuzzy feeling in my stomach. Only problem was, he was not quite ready for a serious relationship...or he could have just not liked me...whatever. Compare this with my relationship with the person I am dating now, Victor. The relationship could be described a bit rocky. Our personalities don't click as well, however he is ready for a serious relationship. So it's a bit confusing to me. Because on one hand I do like Victor and I am happy dating him, but he doesn't exactly move me in the way that Rich did and on some level I guess... still does. So the problem isn't so much with Victor....it's with me.

So there you have it. That's what's been going on in my life. I'm not planning on jumping off a bridge or anything, so I don't think anyone who reads this should worry. I much too lazy to actually find a bridge and then climb up it, and then build my confidence up to jump. And while the general course of my life is not going where I want it too right now, and I have little reason to think that it will get much worse or better, I have not totally abandoned hope. I do have a general plan for my next four years, which will hopefully get me on the track to having a good career. So I will be ok. Now if I could just stop gaining weight.....

So I got a second job. I work at this place called Haband. It's a call center for old people who want clothes. Ugly Clothes. Seriously. Go to the website and look at those things sometimes. The Calcutta slacks....big sellers. They come in colors like Lime Cooler, Raspberry Fizz, and Snow Cone. And don't mess with the old people's free gift. You would think with all this personal time with old people, I would be getting closer to actually enjoying their company. But no....I'm not. And in fact I'm growing to hate them more everyday. Them and their ugly clothing. But I guess it's better than working at...you know...Wal-Mart....oh wait...its not.

What else has been happening. Not much....same old same old. I'm looking forward to this summer. I'm hoping it gives me a chance to have a little fun on my off days. By fun I mean hanging out with this guy I know. Anyone reading my LJ knows I'm usually a big dork when it comes to guys. I tend to mention shit on here that I really should just keep to myself and get overly excited at nothing. Reading back on some old LJ entries, I realize how much I bitch about being single. Oh well...that's just me.

I sorta have met someone. Well...I've known him for a few months now. And we tried the relationship thing, but it didn't go exactly as planned. Anyways....lately we talk probably everyday for a solid 8 hours. Not on the phone of course cause I hate phones. But yea. I'm not too sure where it's going. And honestly I am not too worried about where it's going either. He is one of those people that are like "What will be will be". Which just gets on my nerves because I like to know what the hell is going on. Anyways I guess we just tried to be friends after that. And it turns out that I enjoy talking to him a lot and I think he likes talking to me as well. And I think we both realize that we could have a relationship on the boyfriend level or whatever. Only problem is, I'm not too sure if he is single. Last I heard he was dating someone, but....recently I get the impression that he's not. Of course....I'm trying to be careful and not jump to assumptions because what I think is him hitting on me or trying to take our relationship to the next level could be just him wanting to hang out as friends. But...I am not really too worried about it. Simply because I really am enjoying getting closer to him. It's to the point where I actually really care about him. And we are not even dating or anything yet. I suppose part of me is worried that I will invest so much time and fall for him and he ultimatly will decide that...no...he doesnt want to date me. But....I guess thats the risk... We don't have everything in common that's for sure. But we have been talking for 8 hours...so....obviously we find something to talk about. And personally I like his differences from me. Dating someone like me would be boring and nerve-wracking. I already annoy myself. Anyways...I guess we will just see where it goes. But I really do enjoy him and hope that maybe something more than a friendship comes out of it. Blah blah....enough of that. Back to work

So I've been getting back out there into the dating scene lately. I figure even if I don't meet the one or whatever, it's still nice to meet new people and meet some new friends. But lately I have been reminded just how much of a freak show it is, and why I really don't enjoy the whole process anyways. I mean....I'm not looking for THE ONE....but lately it's hard to even find someone I want to continue talking to, much less date. Let's review the past two weeks in my dating life.

In the past two weeks....I have had...4 people tell me that they like me and consider me date-worthy....but seeing as they are already dating someone, they can't really do anything about it. Which is fine...and I'm flattered they feel that way. They're all really good guys. Only...it's a bit like second place. It's like winning the lottery, but you can't really spend it because you have to pay the amount you won for a credit card bill. It's just not coming out ahead. But...it is better than nothing and at the very least I will have some good friends out of it. Also of interest was The Monk. This was an actually hardcore practicing monk. He practices something called Urban Monasticism. Which is fine too. What do I care if you like to get your praise and worship on? Hell...Even I can get down to a little gospel now and then. Apparently they don't have to abstain, and can have sex in a committed relationship. Only....as luck would have it. The monk was taken. Not only was he taken, but he is HIV+. Which is not a deal breaker, obviously that puts a damper on any sexual activity there may be (like you really want to know about my sex life). Anyways so I figured we could at least be friends and hang out. Only....about the next day, He wants to hook up with me. Now keep in mind that he has someone he's dating right now. So upon telling him that I didn't think that would jive very well with his practices, he responded by saying that the no sex unless you are in a committed relationship was really more of a guideline than a hard rule. I then told him we were not even in a relationship, so really that would be breaking the rule. Apparently he disagreed and said that us talking constituted a relationship in itself. I was being hit up by a cheating monk. What the hell is this?

The icing on the top of this fucked up cake however came this weekend. Now even though I am fairly sure that I've blocked access on this note from facebook and livejournal to any people connected to this person that could tell him what was written here, I still will change his name. Just out of respect. We will call this character Spade. Now....I had met Spade a few times before. We kicked it and he was a cool guy. He was a little vain, but we all have our flaws and no one is perfect. I certainly am not. He goes to a predominantly black college in Atlanta. You can take your pick of which one he goes to. So he IMs me and he wants to hang out this weekend, and I'm cool with that. Me and Thom ride on down to Atlanta and pick him up. The ride back is peachy. We come back and get ready to go out. He proceeds to drink....well...ok. Let me explain. UGA students have a totally different measurement of drinking than other colleges. For us....9 shots is just getting to that drunk point. Even my ex, who was pretty tiny, could put them away with no problem. I always liked that about him. For other college students apparently, 9 shots is the equivalent to drinking a keg by yourself. So Spade proceeds to get MESSY drunk. This is fine and all. Your in a new town....enjoy yourself. So we go to Detour and all of a sudden things start getting insane. Spade goes up and talks to EVERYONE as if they were lifelong friends. I like introducing myself and all, but I'm not going to walk up to rapists and start chatting. So it just so happens he sounds incredibly like someone else we know that goes to school in Athens. Me not thinking anything about it....told him this. Stupid move. He goes up to this guy and tries to talk to him. The guy brushes him off because he too is drunk and more importantly....well...I just don't think he's very polite anyways. Spade proceeds to get MAD. He starts yelling and threatening to fight the other guy...claiming that he is "Not too cute to beat a bitch up" and he's from "motherfuckin D.C.!!". I'm mortified. So eventually I get him to sit down. He is still going off, and at this point I'm ready to get the hell up out of there because he's embarrassed me in front of people that...while are not my best friends...I still would not like to be embarrassed in front of. So Spade sits down, he's still going off. Well this other guy who I know well is walking up the steps and thinks Spade is talking about him. So they almost get in a fight too. At this point I don't know if I'm mad at spade or the two people for being such easy targets for a drunk. Everyone at UGA knows if you get harassed by a drunk, it's probably not best to egg him on and get offended yourself. So at this point, Spade is so drunk he can't stand up, so we just go home. He proceeds to drool over Thom's backseat.

The next day I made it a point to get him back in a hurry. This was getting too real for me. So the drive back starts well. Then all of a sudden the Tom Cruise crazy breaks out of this kid. Since he goes to school in Atlanta, he thinks UGA is in the country. Which I suppose it is, even if I don't tend to think of it that way. Well, he sees this road called Hog Mountain Road. He freaks out, opens my door in traffic while stopped at the light…and starts taking camera phone pictures. He then gets back in my car, turns up the music all the way to max, finds his songs and starts dancing. Not a nice head nod dancing either. He’s making the whole car move while stopped in traffic. Other highlights include him hanging out my sunroof, as well as putting his feet on my dashboard. At this point I just drop him off back at his school and speed the hell out of there. I discover on 316 however, that not only has he taken my dignity, he’s also stolen my bottle of water and my cigarettes. So at this point…don’t tell me there is nothing strange about my dating luck. I know someone is out there doing voodoo. I need to go visit a shaman to see if I can break this mojo.

So life moves on I guess. It's been a hard month or so. The breakup reallly made me think hard about stuff, but I guess most breakups are like that. I have talked to him since and...I think we are going to be just fine. It's just a long process.....and I'm trying to get rid of all the baggage that came along with it. So...yea....doing good. Little down, but I think I'm getting lots better.

I do have a little problem though. Theres this guy. Let's call him J. J and I have talked since this summer. And I always found him pretty interesting. We talk occasionally....and I think he's cute. And I'm not sure how he feels about me...but I think I might have a little crush on him. Well a few weeks ago...him and I met at Firehouse. Long story short...it was not a good meeting. There was mixed signals and confusion. I guess we both thought the other one was being standoffish. I dunno. It happens sometimes. Anyways tonight I dragged myself out to Detour. I figured it was better than sitting inside and playing video games. And it looked like it was going to be a bit of a bust. Until of course J appeared. Uusally we kinda do the thing where we know the other is in the room but we never really say hey. But...as luck would have it...he actually saw me and said hello. And then we danced. I rarely dance with anyone other than Thom or any other of my homies that are there. But it was a good dance. I actually enjoyed it and him. At the end he told me to call him. I'm not totally sure what he wants me to call for. I'm not thinking he all wants to get his date on with me. And I'm sure he probably think of me as a friend. And thats cool. But...I guess I can see where it goes. I mean there is hanging out or a date This is where things get....you know....hairy. I've never been good at approaching guys. Which I always found funny since a lot of people tend to thing I am some fearless person full of confidence. But as far as it goes with guys....I'm usually really quite shy. Anyways I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of calling him tomorrow and inviting him over for Wii fun and Movies. But...I dunno...it's confusing. So we will see. So if you guys want to write on in...feel free to keep the advice coming.

So It's here. The day I have been dreading for quite some time now. 21 years and not one goddamn Valentines. I wonder if that is a record or something. I was so sure this was going to be my year to have one. Bring on the chocolates and balloons and bears and shit. The thing that annoys me the most is the complete lack of consideration that people who do have Valentine's show. I understand your excited because someone loves you...but shit..I don't need to see all that. I'm already alone....no need to shove it in my face. But...I guess if I had ever had a Valentine...I would be waving that shit all around to. Oh wait....I do have a Valentine. I forgot.....I'm getting cable and internet in the apartment....so there.....I am loved...

But......I think I'm doing well in spite of recent circumstances. Every so often I get a little sad or teary eyed. But I think these last few days were an important turning point. I'm not particularly over it....but I am making important progress. To be honest I think the whole ordeal is just sad and stupid and needless and really there was no real damn reason to break up....but what are you going to do? I think he needs to find his way in life or one of those rediculous life things that I never had to go through because I am so damn perfect. But the way i see it....If there really is something there and if we both care about each other like we say we do...then this could possibly only the beginning. And if it isn't and he decides that he never wants to date me again EVER....well then...I did a damn good job at being a boyfriend these last three months and I have nothing to regret. As wierd as it sounds, I feel sort of proud of myself....My first relationship in which it might have actually been something and I kicked ass at it. So go me. I do wonder from time to time if he is genuinly happy that we aren't together and I am not in his life anymore. The bitter breakup part of me wants to say no, but the part that likes him still wants to hope that he is. So really I am kind of conflicted. But I guess that is pretty natural.

I think the funny part of this whole breakup process is that I keep having wierd thoughts of him dating other people. People I don't like at all. I guess that is because of the fact that if he really were to date another guy, then really it would just mean that the reason he broke up was because of me and not because I was a boy and he was uncomfortable about that. I dunno. The whole rational for the breakup still makes no sense to me....and besides...who the hell gives up free sex whenever you want it?!?!!? But really I just miss the kid. And I want to say he misses me, but I never have been the one to break up with someone so I don't really know that point of view and how that works. I think the part that I miss the most is just knowing in the back of your mind that someone cares about you and wants to be with you. I mean....obviously we all have friends and stuff, but I dont really want to hug Thom, Sara or Ezra intimatly and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. I guess it is sad that somehow I think this is some badly planned joke or some huge mistake and he will end up changing his mind. But....I'm moving on. I'll always have a soft spot for him, and I don't think I will ever be tottally over him. He really didnt do anything wrong. I just think he was confused and he just needs to figure out some stuff. And I think he knows that if he ever changed his mind, he's always welcome back. So there you have it....Valentines Day 2007. God it sucks...I guess I will spend it with Thom....bitching about men and watching sex and the cit......Here's hoping that 2008 will be better for everyone who is single.

Lately I have been struggling with things to occupy my time with. I could get with the program and look for another job, but somehow that just depresses me and so I just watch Sex and The City DVDs and contemplate my life.

Today was actually a really bad day. I think this is due to the fact that I ran across a conversation I had with my ex last night on my computer. The most hurtful thing about this whole situation is that I keep remembering how happy I was in D.C. and at other times. That's not to say I won't be happy again, it's just dissapointing to think that I might never be happy with him again. I guess I feel like the relationship was unfulfilled on some level. I really thought that this would be different from my other relationships and that this one had a chance to make it. I never did get to do half the things for him I wanted to. And now I guess it's difficult to think that he will move on and do those things with another person and that I will just sort of fade from his memory. But...as long as he is happy...then I guess I will be ok. It's a slow process, but I feel like I'm starting to pick myself back up.

It also could be due to the fact that my parents called me to yell about writing a check for rent money, and how it was irresponsible not to deposit the money first and then write the check and how much of a screw up I have been. I don't think they mean to be particularly hurtful when they speak to me, but they always have a way of making me feel like I am not turning out to be the wonderful son that they want. And they wonder why I don't call. Oh well....few more years to go with them...

The one bright spot that made me feel better today was a conversation I had with someone. And every time I talk to him I always find myself pretty happy. I guess it's safe to say that I have a big crush on the person I had the conversation with. Every time we talk we always find that we have the same stuff in common. And not just things like...we both like cheese. But really weird shit that I thought made me pretty unique, but that he apparently does as well. The conversation is always fun and we most often are on the same page with each other. It's nice to feel like I have someone that recognizes the amazingness that is Animorphs and to be shown some attention. Of course as fate would have it....He is off limits as he is seeing someone and is happy with them. And I respect that. I'm no homewrecker. And anyways there is no assurance that he would like me even if he was single. I just wish I had better timing so I'd know for sure.

The conversation got me thinking how much I miss how life was uncomplicated. How when in middle school, everything was so simple. I never wanted a boyfriend or love or money. All that it took to satisfy me was the new Animorph book. All I had were my Animorph books and that's really all I needed. Which I guess is sad on some level, but I really miss those days. Now with rent money due and going to school and relationships, I feel like I'm getting progressively unhappier as time moves on. I sort of feel like I'm in some weird stage in my life where I'm moving on to a new level or becoming an adult or some pretentious emo thing like that. I just wish it were all much simpler. In the meantime though...there is always those conversations about Animorphs....

I don't know why I only update my Livejournal when significant things happen to me. But yea....What's been going on in my life. Well....the guy I was with broke up with me. And I wish I could say I am doing fine and dandy and have a date tomorrow....but..I'm not. It would be easy to lie to myself and everyone else and act like this didn't affect me. But to be honest I feel like my heart is ripped out. Either that or I have heartburn.

As far as I can remember, I never particularly was an emotional person. Some people would say different, but other than anger or sarcasm, I really am not the type of person to cry when something bad happens. I may feel sad for a few days or whatever, but I don't recall any huge breakdowns or anything. But I think the fact that this breakup completly took me by suprise is what hurts so much. I wish it were as simple as "he cheated" or " your too fat!", because that's something I can deal with. You can mark the person a bastard and move on. But how am I supposed to react to " I just don't feel the same as you anymore"? I don't think thats something any amount of brownies (even though I ate a whole pan and hid in my room) can fix. Despite my friends telling me that "It's out of your hands", I still feel like there was something I could have done.

This whole situation caught me flat-footed. And now I'm left depressed, single, and Yahoo Health tells me that I'm obese. I don't quite understand his reasoning. And I'm not sure I want to. Because as much as I have thought about it, the whole relationship comes down to me feeling as if I was his experiment. You can chop it up any way you like, but when it comes down to it, once the shine wore off the fact that this was his first relationship with a dude and he got tired of it, he left. And the part that kills me is that I did so much. I did everything I possibly could do to be considered a good bf, and still...it wasnt enough. I bought into all his talk about being together and feeling comfortable around each other and all that other jazz. All that energy and focus that I directed towards him feels like it was for nothing. So I don't know. I don't know what to do or where to go next in life. I'm not saying he was my life or anything, but I did spend a lot of time with subject pertaining to him. So now I'm lost. I actually am considering moving back to Gwinnett. Then again...being back in my parents house is more depressing when I think about it.

But I guess this all comes with the territory. So the best I can do is pick myself up and keep on trucking. Or in the case of Friday, drink. I'm going to be fine once I stop hyperventilating when I think of him. Because I don't think he has the same reaction when he thinks of me. In fact to be honest, I don't think he cares. I find it hard to belive that anyone that could do this to someone could care. So yea....I'll be fine. I would like some gummy worms...but...yea....I'm in no condition to be going to Wal-Mart. Anyways...hopefully the next time I post, I'll have more happy stuff to post about.

I dont like Christmas anymore. There was a time where it was amazing with the lights and the gifts and the prospects of food. But now that my parents have decided I'm some sort of old man and I don't deserve a fun Christmas, it's really lost its luster. Now and days, Christmas fills me with a sense of dread. I don't know why It just does. Like in elementry school, if you got in trouble and had to go to the principals office. I don't know. I don't really even want to go home. Not that I don't love my parents or whatever, but I just don't want to go. They just are going to want to talk about school and blah blah and nonsense and I just don't feel like hearing it. I'd like to roll in there maybe Christmas Day, get some eggnog and be out, but, I suppose I can indulge my parents. They have been good parents so it's the least I can do. Of course last Christmas was not good. Granted I got a car, but coming down the stairs only to see a basket full of loofahs and Axe body deoderant really sort of takes the wind out of your sails. I mean damn...could I get an Ipod shuffle or something. A DVD. Just because I'm older now does'nt mean I'm dead.

Not much else is going on in my life. No major drama or anything to speak of. Still dating that guy I mentioned in the last post. Although I am not sure if I should mention his name based on how much he wants to reveal about himself. Although technically it should be rather easy to figure out who it is. I'm pretty much enjoying every minute of it to be honest. I had kind of givin up on finding a decent guy, so it was a suprise when I met him and we seemed to click. Anyways, he's at home for the holidays, which is fairly far and we have'nt seen each other in about week and a half to two weeks or so. Which I guess is not that long, but it still seems like a really long time to go without seeing him. Of course....I could go into how much I miss him, but I am not feeling particularly emo tonight so none of that. Have you ever gotton the feeling your getting on your significant others last nerve though? I kind of do. And even if they do reassure you that you are not, it still sort of creeps in the back of your mind. Nothing is really even wrong, it's just me being paranoid and speculating and seeing things that are not there. All of a sudden a simple Hi from him sets off some knee jerk reaction and all of a sudden I respond with WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT!! It's rather annoying. I think it's just a side effect from being seperated for so long. Or it could be because I've been in a bad mood for a while now. I think the relationship has made me realize how particularly emotional I can be over stuff. I usually try not to get too emotional about things unless someone has offended me or something of that nature. A good indication of this is when my real mother died, I don't particularly rememember even crying. I think that scared my other mom into thinking I was some sort of freak. And I am , but that's not the topic here. But since I have been with him I don't have a problem communicating with him and telling him how I feel. Which is a really good thing. The entire relationship has been remarkably smooth and we really have not had any problems other than inappropriate jokes by me and him being a little too blunt. I think that can be attributed to him being pretty amazing and me learning from my mistakes of the past. Plus I'm amazing too....I think...So I hope it all works out and everything....I should pray about it or do a fast or something...I'll just be glad when he comes back.

And why will I be glad when he returns? Well for one I like him...The second reason being that hopefully this will give us quality time and all that nonsense. Get to know each other more...blah blah...the other reason being we are taking a nice trip to D.C. to visit Liz. It's quite exciting, if only for the reason that Thom and I have not done anything like this in quite some time. But also because both of the people we are dating will be there, and nothing spells road trip like going places with a family. Poor Matt has never been out of the south, so hopefully it's a good experience for him. Although hopefully we don't get mugged. I'm quite sure we will end up hating each other by the end of the journey. I mean 10 hours in a car with 4 people is enough to make me want to chop my head off using the sunroof. But still, I think it will be a lot of fun. I have not seen Liz since our B'Day, so it will be good to engage in some over-age drinking. I also plan to get my shop on AND get a little cullture by going to those museums. I mean...did ya'll know that shit was free? I may not even want to see an exhibit on what tools the Indians used to shuck corn, but say the words free and I'm there. Plus the last time I visited those museums in fifth grade, the chaparones rushed us in and out of those mother fuckers so I never got to see anything on my own time. Bastards. Hopefully someones brings a camera....although you know I wont be in any pictures because I'm not into photography.

Anyways, Merry Christmas to everyone...or whatever the hell you heathens celebrate....

So now that I have a Wii I can download all those old games that I used to enjoy as a kid. And you would think now that I am 21 years old and I've played video games a lot more, that I could figure out those old games. I mean they look so simple right Wrong. Ecco the Dolphin is one of the hardest games that I have ever played. I have no idea what to do, the jellyfish keep killing me....and I keep fucking suffocating because I can't get air. Don't get me started on Super Mario 64. Anyways thats what my days have been filled with. I'm really happy with the Wii so far. I could use a few more games to keep it interesting but now that I think about it, I still havent finished Zelda so....yea....I should work on that before I get any new ones.

What did I do this weekend. Well...nothing really...I didnt particularly enjoy it. Some relationship stuff happened and even though its all worked out it still is....I don't know.annoying....or alarming. I cant particularly find the right word to describe it. I would go into detail but that would be all personal and I don't need everyone in Athens knowing our personal buisness. I guess it was alarming because I didn't realize how much I liked him. I mean I knew I liked him...but I never really stopped and thought about how it would feel if I wasn't in a relationship with him. And I wasn't quite sure if he feels or felt the same way....I'm still not even though I kind of am...I don't know...it's all very confusing...... I'm not particularly one to get all mushy.... I mean I've learned from my past mistakes coughAnthonycough...So I am not quite sure if he knows exactly how much I really enjoy him.... Anywho we talked about it and all is well. I still am pretty sad about the whole thing...not sure why....just am....I think lots of nyquil and sleep is in store....now that all my shows are off until January there really isnt anything to do.....of course...just wait cause January is American Idol....And I still have no idea what Im getting my parents for Christmas. Wow....reading back over this post makes me realize how boring I am....I'm going to sleep....

Eh...I'm back. I didn't realize until today that I hadnt actually posted in this thing for quite some time now. I just really did not have much to talk about. Same old stuff going on.

So what's new. Well....I guess not much. I have been seeing someone for about two months now...So I guess that's new. But as I get older. I realize these things arnt such a big deal as they used to be. That's not to say I'm not excited about him or that he's not special or anything. He is. But I think it is easier if I just go with the flow and enjoy him and stop posting love sonnets about him and all the things I used to do when I dated someone new. He's a great guy and all that and I am enjoying myself and him. That sounds dirty now that I think about it.....you guys don't want to hear about all that....

Oh I got a Nintendo Wii. This is very exciting for me because I get to indulge in my hidden geekdom. Well...not so much hidden. But I like to think that people have no idea that I like video games and I get all up in arms when someone says "Sony Rocks!?!1!!oneone!!!". But I have been spending my days playing that. As of yet the remote has not flew out of my hand or anything like that. I think I did hit myself in the face with it though, but that's just because I am clumsy. Go out and get one...RIGHT NOW!

Work Work Work...that about sums it up. I've been trying to quit smoking. But I keep finding myself going to gas stations and buying ciggarettes. It's the same way with the diet. I've been eating it up. Just tearing through leftover thanksgiving food like it's going out of style. Oh well. Who the hell am I trying to look thin for?

Have you ever had a friend that you no longer talk to and in fact, don't consider them friends at all anymore, but you just randomly think about him? Well thats what's been going on with me recently. I once had this friend Anthony, who i don't really communicate with and for some strange reasons I actually have been having wierd dreams about him. The type where your shoes are made of Jello and Chucky is chasing after you with a loaf of bread. Anywho....I would assume this has something to do with me being loyal to my friends and even though he did me wrong...on some level I assume I still regard him as a friend. Anyways...I guess I do hope he is doing well and all that.I still would like my 150 dollars though.....

And that about sums it up....same old stuf...different day....I promise I will try to post more often but now that I think about it...who really reads this anyways?

Now recently this whole Facebook has been a hot button topic across campus. I personally never thought I would see the day where a website evoked this much public outcry. So I feel a responsibility to present the facts as it is. Thats what a good journalist does right? Even though I am not a journalist nor am I a journalism major...

Well here is my stance on the issue. Personally I see nothing wrong with the news feed. People keep claiming it's intrusive and a breech of privacy. But to be completely real with you, I don't see the point of all this public outcry. Save it for war, or dying children with cancer or something. The fact of the matter is, nothing on that news feed is different from the old Facebook. It just presents all the information in a handy layout so that everyone can see your buisness....buisness they were going to find out anyways because you were putting it on Facebook for all to see. Don't get me wrong, I know very well I frequent Facebook a little too often. I prefer to think of it as doing my research on people. But I admit to my addiction. And that's the first step. And personally I like to know that the person I sent a message to on Facebook has not replied to me (which is rude btw) but has been facebooking other people up a damn storm.

So when it comes down to it, I think the real reason people are upset is because now thier Facebooking ways are exposed to the whole world. And now thier buisness is on front street for everybody to see. I myself have never put anything on Facebook which I didn't mind others seeing. Of course...people tagging me in pictures where I look a bit tore up is another thing alltogether. But, I don't have a problem with it until they start putting the stats up of how much I have been visiting people's page. Because I truly can get out of control with that. In that case I will just have to say that my computer got a virus or something and I don't know why it says that I have visited your page like 400058833 times in the past hour.

On the other hand....I do think this nonsense is getting a bit out of control. I just got on Facebook and saw some news article on Hermaphrodite Fish Found in River Off Washington D.C. on my news feed. Now putting everyones buisness out there so I can see it is one thing, but cluttering up my page with nonsense stories is going too far. I have never subscribed to the Washington Post. So why is this nonsense popping up on my homepage? Is this an anti-gay thing? Why would they think I was interested in hermaphroditic fish? Is Facebook trying to tell me something? Is the CIA watching me type this right now? Oh shit....is my address on Facebook?...I gotta go....

I guess I should update after this last weekend. I went on a date last night. Nothing too fancy. Just some Taco Bell and DVDs. I enjoyed myself. And I think he enjoyed himself too. So we will see about all that. I really enjoy him though so yea....theres that. Although something peculiar did happen to me during the date. The Ex.

I always wondered how people remain friends with thier Ex. I personally don't think that I am the kind of person who can remain friends and just ignore the past. I don't have that kind of selective memory. My ex demands that we remain friends. His justification was because we were so good as a couple...we should be good as friends too. To be completely real with you, I already have enough friends. I dont need to be adding friends that I have history with and opening that Pandora's Box. Just not my style. Anyways... He called me last night. During the date.

It occured to me just now that I was a bit rude in answering the phone during the date at all. But anyways. He just called to talk to me because apprently he was thinking about me and he had to look up my number from a phone bill way back when. Well. Maybe I am a bad friend but really I havent thought about him in weeks to be honest. I have 2 sisters and two parents and I forget that they are alive sometimes. Hell sometimes I forget I'm alive my damn self. I hope that doesnt make me some sort of evil person. Anywho....who goes through all the trouble of looking up my number when all you had to do was get online and ask me since you have my screename? I just dont get that shit.

Then today he calls at work to chat again. What the fuck is this!?! Why are you calling me?!?! Thom and I don't talk on the phone much and when we do it's usually to plan whats for dinner. Anyways I asked him what he did this weekend and apprently he went to the Hamptons (Thats the New York Hamptons). Now he could have stopped there. But no. He had to continue on and tell me all about how his friend asked him to marry him. to him. Only his friend is straight. But then again not straight because hes been with AJ. And then go into depth about when he was sick how the friend went all over town to get him Maple Sausage. And I can't really tell him that I hope he chokes on the Maple Sausage, because that would be rude. But I don't understand how these topics come up in casual conversation.

What it just comes down to is that I just feel uncomfortable talking about certain things with him. And the things id like to talk to him about are important to friendships. I just don't get his motive for telling me all this stuff about his dating life. I would say hes trying to throw stuff in my face and make me jealous, but I don't understand what he would get from that. I don't know. I just want to take a nap. I just know I hope he chokes on that Maple Sausage.

P.S. I got my ears pierced.....

Today is just one of those days where I wished I had never gotton up in the first place. I'm tired, burned myself with a ciggarette, having confidence issues, and I have been eating my feelings hardcore style. Ezra says I need to calm down...but I know how these things go. They just get worse and worse until your that wierd kid that tried to be his friend and everyone is laughi----wait....sorry....I'm not going to be bitter...just know I am having relationship/confidence/crush issues.

And so now I am at work. And I really don't want to be here. Not that I don't enjoy my job. I kinda do. This has to be the easiest 7 dollars I have ever made in my life. And it beats the hell out of stocking at Wal-Mart. I get along with most of my co-workers....unless I am on a diet and they are eating pizza. And then I just really want to swing the phone and hit them all. The most annoying part about it is the phone calls. I really don't like talking to the Brumby Girls and helping them fix thier internet. I could bitch about how they are all stupid. But honestly I think it would make more of an impact if I actually gave you a sample of the conversation.

Me: Student Tech Support. This is Chris. How May I help you? [Enter me considering just hanging up before they say anything]

BrumbyGirl: Um yea. Hi. I'm calling because my internet is not working [insert silence of about 15 seconds]

Me: And.....what exactly seems to be the problem with your internet? (you dumb bitch)

BrumbyGirl: It's not working [with a bit of an attitude]

Me: What's not exactly working with it? [Press Mute Button] Thom....are you going to the breakroom? Get me some Oreos girl. These bitches are straight trippin. Thank you Boo.

BrumbyGirl: Well it was working today and then it just stopped and I really need it because I have classes [Clearly lying as she only wants to check Facebook]

Me: Well Ok, if you could get up and go to your cable modem.

BrumbyGirl: What's that? Could you just send someone to look at it for me? [attidude]

Me: No. We Cant. Now if you could go look at the cable modem. There should be a panel of lights on the top. What we are looking for is for the Link light to be solid. (Meanwhile I'm putting the pohone on mute and having conversations with Thom or whoever else is in the room. Eating Oreos. Twirling around in my chair. Whatever really)

BrumbyGirl: I don't see any lights.

Me: Well if you look on the top there should be. (Me signaling to Thom it's about to go down on the phone)

BrumbyGirl: Look...I have had my dad and my boyfriend look at this. Both of them can't figure out what is wrong. i just need a new modem. So can you just send someone out here to look at it?

Me: No. Now if you could return to the modem and look on the top. (And if your boyfriend and dad were so smart...why the hell didnt they fix it?)

BrumbyGirl: Ugh. Hold on. Let me get on my Loft. I still Don't see it!

Me: You Don't? Well let's check the basics. The modem is plugged in correct [Press Mute] I know this hoe didnt call and her modem isnt even plugged in!

BrumbyGirl: The black cord? Yes it's plugged in.....oh...wait...it isnt. Ok It's plugged in. I think my bf said it didnt need to be plugged in though!

Me: Well it does. Let's give it a second to connect shall we? Lovely Day out? Are you going to the football game. (I like to have conversations with my clients. Meanwhile I'm on AIM and reading celebrity gossip)

BrumbyGirl: Yea...I'm like way excited! Me and my sororiety are all going out. Oh...The link light is solid now.

Me: Ok now on your computer in the network connections screen what does it say? (After giving her 1028783 steps to get there with her getting confused at every one.)

BrumbyGirl: It says Local Area Connection LANorhighspeedinterenetnetworkcableunpluggedfirewalled. (Giving me numbers and shit I don't need.)

Me: [pressing Mute] I told this bitch I didn't need all that![Mute] Ok. well is your ethernet cable plugged in?

BrumbyGirl: What ethernet cable?!?!?! I thought we were using Wireless

Me: No...There is no Wireless in the dorm rooms.

BrumbyGirl: Well My RA told me we could use wireless and the girls down the hall are using it.

Me: Well unfortunatly there is no wireless in the dorms and I don't know where the girls down the hall are getting it from and why your RA would tell you that [Mute] You liar.

BrumbyGirl: Well Do you need this number it's showing? The IP address?

Me: Sure

BrumbyGirl: EJK-189-23-22332.

Me: [Mute] Where the hell is she getting these letters from!?!?![mute] Ok. Well let's go back to the ethernet cable. Plug it in and try to open up your browser.

BrumbyGirl: Well I already tried this and it didnt work. My dad is very angry and this is a hassle and I really need my computer to check Facebo--I mean. My email!!

Me: Just try it and if it doesnt work we can continue on troubleshooting.

BrumbyGirl: It's not working!!!!

Me: Well then. Let me just take a moment to look up your registration. {I look her up. Turns out we have blocked her acess to the internet because her computer is filled with viruses and sending out SPAM and all sorts of shit.) Well it turns out we blocked you off from the internet. You should go to the front desk and check out on of our utility CDs and run a virus scan on your computer and then we can restore your access.

BrumbyGirl: That's a bold faced lie!!

Me: Well I'm looking at the bold faced file right here. And you my dear Watson, are blocked off because your computer is filled with viruses.

BrumbyGirl: Watson? No...My name is Emily. You must be looking at the wrong persons.

Me: No. Your Emily Smith. 738 Brumby. Boyfriend is in a Frat? You are a Tri Delt? You like going downtown? You drive a 3 series BMW? (They never realize I shouldnt have this personal information. Meanwhile I am on Facebook just looking this all up)

BrumbyGirl: Yup....That's Me.

Me: Well yes. Go get that CD and run a virus scan and you should be all set to get on the internet.

BrumbyGirl: Look. Mike is your name Right?....Can't you just do it for me. I really don't want to have to call back. (Meanwhile having a conversation with her roomate about what to wear)

Me: Unfortunaly, Tina, we can't. However if you go and get that CD and run into any problems I am sure you can call us back.[mute] But call when my black ass if off work.

BrumbyGirl: Tina? No. I am Emily Smith. You must be looking at the wrong thing Mike.

Me: Oh Right Ms. Jackson. Well you go get that CD and go run that virus scan. Give us a call back if you run into any problems.

BrumbyGirl: Alright. But next time I am going to get my daddy to call back.

Me: You do that. Have a lovely evening. {Hang up the phone} Crazy Hoe.

And that my dear friends is what I deal with at work. In fact. I just sat here and typed that all out while I was at work. God I love this job. But now I am going to smoke a ciggarette and eat some more of my feelings. Later winners!

Nothing that fun has happened this year. Does anyone else think this semester is getting off to an odd start? I thought Six Flags would be fun...but I was wrong. Loosing my phone on the Cyclone was not fun. Which I thought everyone knew about, but apprently I was wrong. This kid I had been talking to (and by talking I mean secretly wanting to kill myself when we were on the phone) had the nerve to be all upset because he couldent get in touch with me. I know for a fact I told him that my phone was in pieces and no longer worked. Instead he just opted to chastise me for going on the Cyclone with my phone. "EVERYONE KNOWS THAT YOU DONT GO ON THE CYCLONE WITH A CELL PHONE." Like he was my mom or something. Excuse me? I assumed it would be safe in my heavily velcroed cargo pocket, but I apprently was mistaken. And where the hell was I supposed to leave it anyways? I personally don't trust those little cubbies they give you before you get on the ride. Anyone can just walk up and make off with your shit. And that would infuriate me a lot more than it simply just falling off the ride. Not like it matters anyways, because I won't be returning back to Six Flags ever again. The heat.....datelessness....watching Thom and what's his face canoodling. Not. Pleasent. At. All.

I had a horrible dream about the crush (which is honestly getting a bit middle school). And normally I wouldent be posting this, but I think it's kind of funny. You see. In the dream I was terrified of talking to him. Which for some reason is really odd because I usually don't have a problem talking to anyone. I made friends with the lunch ladies at O-House. So why I am having a mini breakdowns while going on facebook....I don't know. What I do know is that it is now a group project among my friends and I to get me to talk to him. Because it takes a village. And it's for the children.

Does anyone see this article in the Red and Black about the SAT scores in Georgia? Apprently Sonny Perdue is happy that we have climbed out of last place in the rankings and climbed vast heights to ascend to....46th place! Wait. What? When did 46th place become a good thing? I mean I don't want to make it seem as if I am always focused on winning. I understand the whole just do the best you can thing...but 46th place? And I am not making myself to be some sort of academic titan. Personally I never saw the big deal about the SAT's anyways. I took that thing once and got a 1310. And I didn't even know half the stuff on there. And to this day have not used a damn bit of it. Oh well. At least we will always have 46th place.

Is there a reason why it is so hot outside? I also would like to know the secret of some of these Brumby girls because they never are sweating and they always smell good. I'll have to ask Sara for thier beauty secrets. I've completly given up my attempts ar trying to look jazzy while going to class. In theory it's a nice idea. First impressions and all that. However, by the time I get done walking to class I am usually covered in sweat and in no mood to really talk to someone, let alone go to class, so I may as well wait for cooler temperatures to wear the new clothes. Besides...I didn't buy new clothes just to look sweaty in them.

Walking to class has actually been a lesson in espionage for me. Usually I have my iPod with me, so even if I do see someone I really don't like, I can just act like I am too into the music to pay attention to them. However, because Apple seems to enjoy creating pieces of crap that break down within a year of you buying them, my iPod doesnt work anymore. What's the deal with everyone's iPod breaking lately? It seems like those things never work, and I refuse to pay 30 bucks for some brightly colored iPod case. If I shell out $250 for something, it better work correctly without an add on for at least 4 years. So I will be looking for another mp3 player. Unless the new iPod's are really cute, in which case I will give it another shot....

Speaking of electronics breaking, I just had what could have been the worst weekend ever. Now if you talk to the other two people on the trip with me (Thom...and uh....Matt I think his name is) , I'm sure thier view would have been completely different. After all, they were having lots of sex and cuddling and feeding each other banana pancakes and all that jazz. Which upsets me a bit, because I don't recall Thom ever making me pancakes. An I have been around for three years dammit. Nevermind that I am allergic to banana's. I still want some pancakes dammit.

Anyways we went to Six Flags, which I most likely will never be returning to again. You see, I had invited various people that I enjoy the company of and would have liked to kick it with on a personal level. Only either they said no, or just didnt respond. So yea, I went to Six Flags alone with the two lovebirds. Which is not a bad thing, I am a Strong African American. Those things don't bother me. I'm bossy. But it wasnt until the car ride there that I realized that most likly, I would be riding alone by myself on some of those rides.

Now I do enjoy a good rollercoaster every now and then. But to be honest with you, I really don't enjoy heights. It's just not me. I prefer to stay on the ground. So because neither of them could really count, I ended up on most of those damn things by myself, or sitting next to some 12 year old that wanted to talk about the glory of the rollercoaster. It didnt help that it was couples day at Six Flags or something so I kept being reminded of my singlehood. It also didnt help that it was hot as hell out there too.

So after the Ninja, I really was ready to go. I was hot and thirsty and I refused to pay obscene amounts for a coke at that park. $3.35? No thanks, I'll just drink my own saliva. So we head on over to the Cyclone and the line was empty. And that was actually quite fun. We rode it 3 times. Everything was peachy and I was going to suggest that we go wait in line for Goliath. Until I notice my pocket felt a little light. Turns out my cell phone had just flown right out of my pocket and smashed into the ground. So now I have no cell phone. I'm back to using carrier pidgeons as a method of communication. At that point I was ready to get the hell out of there. I didn't even go out Saturday night. I just went to bed. I felt better the next day when I went shopping. But I still have to wait for about 2 weeks or so until I can get a new phone. So to recap, I'm still single, I have no phone, and it's way too hot outside. Pray for me winners....I may just kill someone.

It's always really shocking to me when people are just blatently rude. I think it's because, despite my appearance being that of a large African-American male, I do think I am pretty amiable. I mean it is hot outside, so maybe I do look like I might slap your face off....but there is no need to be blatantly rude. For example. Today while walking to class, I happened to run across a....I won't call her friend. i will just say some chick I used to hang out with a bit. In fact I really don't think she was my friend. She was more of a friend's friend....but that friend is no longer a friend....so I really do not know what to refer to her as.

Well... I saw homegirl walking and we said hello and exchanged hugs. The first question out of her mouth was. "What are you doing here?" Now.....some people know I took a semester off for personal reasons, although not everyone knows exactly what those reasons are. But it was clearly evident that I was going to class. I mean if the full bookbag and the angry look on my face wasn't enough to tell her, I don't know what would have been. I was so off balance that I didnt really even know what to say to her. My first though was "You stupid bitch....why the hell would I be out here in this goddamn heat pretending to go to class." But I didnt think that I would be polite, and I was hungry so that could be a cause for my moodiness. So I think I replied that yea....I was back at UGA and I have been since this summer. Why do I even care if she knew I was back? There were plenty of rumors swirling around about me being crazy and going to some crazy house. Something about Cancer was raised as well. But why I felt like I had to justify why I was there.....I don't know. Anyways....so....I tell her I have been back for a bit now....and meanwhile stifled the urge to tell her that I notice her drug inebreated friend is no longer with us...but once again...not polite. Before I can even get the next sentence out. She see's some friends of her's (Who I don't enjoy the company of either btw) and just straight up bounces, leaving me talking to myself. The kicker was....in these situations I just assume that the other person will be polite and introduce me to her friends....however...no....She just ignored me and kept talking to them. So to get myself out of this very awkward situation. I just kept on walking as if I had never run into her. When did it become acceptable for people to do that? I mean.I don't deserve that rudeness. And to think that ho stole my spanish book. See if I am polite to her the next time I see her.....I drive a 2005 Pontiac Vibe! You cant talk to me like that!!!

For those in the know....I have been working around 14 hour days at work. I hate work but I love having some money in my account more. It's fun. I like my co-workers and the job is a definite imporvement over Wal-Mart. While at work my ex, AJ talked to me, and the day before my other ex Will IMed me too. I use the word ex loosely. Both conversations were about our relationships....I'm sorry...Let me rephrase....The damn shame that was supposed to be our relationships. I came away with the distinct impression that niether of them really gave a damn about me. Both of them could care less and both of them feel as if I should be perfefectly content being thier friends. In fact...by the way they put it...I should feel honored. I'm apprently fun to be around...I'm just not suited to be a boyfriend to either of them. Or any of the hundreds of other guys that I have failed with. Which is suprising to me...I always figured I was a fun guy to be around...well...at least when I'm not hungry or really sleepy.

I think in most peoples eyes...I'm some sort of perpetual friend. It could be possible that I'm so good at being a friend, that that's what everyone see's me as. I do love my friends. I can't say I would do anything for them....drugs, sexual favors, and doing school work for them is out of the question. However I do think I go that extra mile when it is really needed. To be honest...I think we all rely on each other a lot more than we probably would care to admit. I know if it wasnt for about 5 or 6 of my close friends...I might have jumped of O-House (Because it's higher) years ago. Or perhaps it's just me that relies on them. I don't know. Ask those bitches.

I say all this to say that when it concerns relationships, I am not really sure where to go from here. I am not even sure I even want one now. All this work....and for what? I find that most people lie and are selfish, and most of them really only care about themselves. When you've served your purpose...whether it is being a anthropomorphic dildo or what have you.....your dead in thier eyes. I've tried everything humanly possible to get certain people interested in me. I've starved myself...changed my personality....Cooked people eggs....Bailed them out of jail....Spent rediculous amounts of gas on going to see them...only to get nothing in return. In three short months...I'll be 21....and I will not have had a real relationship to speak of. Perhaps I'm the only one that thinks thats odd.....

The funniest part is...in the back of my mind I really could care less about getting a bf and I know it's quite silly to even care that I don't have one. I should be enjoying myself and my friends...but to be honest...ive been doing that since 2003......it's getting old. So really...I have no clue as to where to go. Well...Thats a lie...I know I'll be going to McDonalds tonight...but thats niether here nor there. I'm sitting here looking at the facebook of this guy I think is really cute and decent (Yes...I'm a stalker....don't judge me)...but...why go through all that bullshit again? Even if there is the remote possibility that he does like me (Which would be about as rare as me just waking up and having a 6 pack), history has shown it wont last anyways.. I could use that time to work on myself or whatever....but...shit...I'm fucking awesome as it is. No reason to change now! So who the fuck knows.... I was supposed to go on a date tonight.....He never called...Whatever....I have McDonalds to keep me company anyways......