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Jul. 6th, 2008

So this is Pride?

Yes folks, I went to the Pride celebrations. Its usually something I don't do, mainly cause I'm a little old to be running around Atlanta trying to find a dude to dance dirty with. I've never been a person that likes to go out too much anyways. Once every few months is fine. But I actually had a really fun time with Thom. I do wish some of our other friends could have made it and that some other friends were not drunk out of their mind, but hey, that's the way it goes. Of course the night was not without it's minor controversy.

I have a good friend, who I really like to hang out with. I used to like him romantically (and I mean he is cute as hell and nice) and at times still do, but as fate would have it, he didn't like me. And it's cool, because you cant always get what you want. No reason I can't be a good friend. But some strange stuff went down last night and I had to lay down the hammer. So before we went to Atlanta, I let him know I was coming and if he felt up to going out then that would be cool. Although i didn't exactly know how he was gonna get into anywhere cause he's 20. So we went ahead and went to Blake's and met him there. Again, I have no clue how he got in, but whatever, bitches be resourceful these days. So the place is packed, and I happen to like that bar. I might go back if I feel so compelled. Anyways, turns out my friend is hanging with someone who....well....I just don't agree with or like at all really.

Now look. It's a person that I don't exactly mesh well with. We used to run in the same circles somewhat back in the day. And that's fine since I'm not going to get along with everyone, and I am perfectly capable of being civil when I see him. And I don't know everything about the kid, but what I HAVE seen makes me feel justified in saying he and I will never be the best of friends. And I made my friend aware of this and let him know that I really didn't want much to do with this guy. So my friend is hanging out with this dude, and I noticed, not really at all trying to integrate Thom and I into his little new group of friends. Again. Cool with me. Makes sense as I don't really get along with them and as long as he is having fun, then go ahead and enjoy your night. Of course all of a sudden he just leaves to go to Wetbar, without really telling me. Again. Cool beans. It's a crowded club and he probably could not find me. We planned to make our way to Wetbar despite the outrageous cover of $20. Personally I would rather spend my $20 elsewhere, but it's Pride so I'll bend the rules a bit

So I go to Wetbar and run into my friend a few times. All of a sudden he's in a corner crying and swaying because he is tore up drunk. The dude I don't like so much is trying to console him or rape him or something. Honestly I don't know because it was hot as hell in there. I mean there was a freaking fog it was so hot. Shirtless men running around doing crystal meth. If there would be a picture for the word sin, this would be it. I just made my way outside, where I saw William Sledd of "Ask a gay man" fame on Youtube.

Anyways, my friend is looking horrible. And honestly it makes me feel horrible too. I hate when my friends are like that or crying or throwing up in a corner. It's almost instinct for me to try and fix it, or make a joke or something. It's the nursing gene or whatever. So he's off crying and as it turns out, Wetbar is not so fun so Thom and I are going to leave. We let my friend know that we are going and ask him if he needs a ride and where he is staying and all that. Turns out, he drove there himself, he's drunk as all hell, and he is supposed to be staying at some dudes hotel room, whose name escaped him. But that's his choice, so I let him know if he needed anything to just call or text me and we left.

So Thom and I walk all the way back to the car and as we are pulling off to go home, he calls me and tells me to come back. So we head on back, because if there is a motto I live by, then it's leave no man behind. We get back and he needs us to drive him to his ex-boyfriends place for the night. Cool. I know his ex, and I feel comfortable doing that and leaving him in the care of someone who knows him well and cares about him. Of course, I knew the dude who I didn't like would not be pleased at this, but whatever, I'm not leaving a homie behind. So we walk all the way across downtown Atlanta to get to his car. So we are driving and about ready to have Thom follow us when the dude I don't like calls. I don't know what was said, but after a lot of squaking and yelling, my friend is like ok I'll stay. And tells me to take him back to the parking deck so he can stay and go to the hotel room.

Now look. I don't know if I was right for this. But I pulled over the car and told him to get there himself, and to also never call me if he needed help again. Here's my thing. You are 20 years old and not of age to be drinking in the first place. Drunk off your ass in Atlanta. You've already called me back from leaving to come get you. Never said thank you for doing so. Your ordering me to drive you places like I have to do this shit. It's three in the morning and you want to rip and run the streets of Atlanta looking like a hot mess? And you want me to take you to some strangers hotel room, who I don't really trust or like all that much. A hotel room which, unless I am mistaken, you haven't paid a dime on? I'm not taking part of these shennanigans. It was one thing that I know his ex boyfriend, and I would have no problem taking him back home. But I am not taking you to someones hotel room who you have barely known for three months.

Maybe that's just me. I know the last thing I would want to do if I was tore up and drunk in Atlanta, is go to some random hotel room. I'm taking my ass home. There will be no boom boom room for Chris. No after party, and no I do not want to see your pictures from when you went to the white party in Miami. I certainly would not want to spend more time with someone after I burst into tears in front of him. Whether he caused it or not. I'm taking my ass home to get some bread and water. The night is over. Have we learned nothing from Kobe Bryant people?!?

And it honestly felt horrible to leave him there, but it also pissed me off because it showed a slight lack of respect on his part for my role as a friend. Number one I know well and good that if I hadnt called him then I sure as hell would not have received an invite to hang out in ATL. And when we did get there, all of a sudden your acting like we havn't hung out at all because of who your out with? I'm well aware that I am not his best friend, and that I am just one of his many friends. But I tend to treat all my friends the same as Thom, Liz, Sara and Brandon regardless of how long I have known them. And also, how whipped has this dude got you? Your a grown ass man, drunk in a place you don't need to be, and all of a sudden he calls and your running back to a random hotel room? Take your ass home. I have no problem with going out and having a good time, because we all did it. But I also had trusted friends who I had known for years, where if shit popped off, I knew they had my back.

So that was my evening. I feel bad, so I am going to have to call and talk to him about it. Then again it's not even as if he tried to see what was going on last night so. I'm cutting the fat with some of these friends. Everything must go lol. It feels kind of liberating to finally stand up though. All in all though I had a real nice time in Atlanta. I'm gonna have to try going back there a little bit. Although if your drunk and wanting to act all crazy, then don't call me.

Apr. 17th, 2008

ONTD

With Friends Like These....

So I am going to level with you guys about a situation that has been bothering the hell out of me for a long time. It's the fact that some of my friends suck. Now before you go calling me a bitch and all that let me explain. I do have great friends, 5 of them to be exact. We have all probably gone above and beyond the call of duty to help each other in times of crises and all that. But then I have some other friends that need to be voted off the island immediately.

Case in point. I have a friend who we shall name K.He and I hung out a lot and I really enjoyed our time playing video games and going out and drinking. And to be honest I really truly like him as a friend. You know and I wont lie...I did also like him as more than a friend, but K had a boyfriend so I kept it classy and didn't go there for the most part. Mainly because I really enjoyed our friendship. I did let him know how I felt but I made sure to tell him first and foremost our friendship was what was most important to me.

So after a few months of talking and hanging out and playing Halo 3, K admits he's had a dream about me that was sexual. I'm thinking...ok...what the hell am I supposed to do with this information? You just dont tell people about sex dreams you had about them without there being a little something something there. Especially if you have a man. So I brushed it off, and I kept it moving. Well skip to a few days later. That Friday we decided to hang out and drink and just play games and just hang out. Well what happened next makes me ashamed of myself and mad at him at the same time.

Now K and I never really discussed sexual stuff. Even in a joking funny way. And I preferred it that way cause it was nice to have a friendship where sexual tension didn't rule. So all of a sudden when we are quite drunk he asks if I have any porn and wants to watch it. I'm thinking we are going to laugh at it and make jokes like Thom and I do. Not exactly. In the middle of it I look over.....full on penis is hard in his pants. Still...I'm not there yet. I'm like "oh well thats a natural reaction". The porn ends. He wants to watch 2 more.He declares he is horny. I'm thinking ok...well.....guess that ends the night...hes going to go home to his boyfriend. Instead he gets on the bed with me.

Now keep in mind I am not an advocate of cheating at all. I don't like it and I myself have never done it. Well. I made the mistake of kissing him. And then you all know what went down next. And I felt really horrible about it because I have never been in a situation like that before where I was the other woman. And I take full responsibility for kissing him in my drunken stupor. But looking back on it....why did he want to watch porn with another guy when he had a boyfriend. Why did he even tell me he was horny? Why did he want to watch so many porns if he know he was horny. Why didn't he just excuse himself? Why did he stop 2 times during the act but keep going? Questions.....

Now skip to now. After that incident we decided to just forget about it and keep it moving. And thats fine cause I liked him as a friend. And for a few months it was chill. But now he's about to get voted off the island. For the simple fact that now I am getting treated as that backup friend. He never really wants to hang out. Its usually me inviting him to things and he says he will come and then doesn't show up. He says hes working and busy, but it's kind of funny I can get on Facebook and see him chatting it up with another mutual person we know that he has replaced me with.The one time we did hang out he trotted his boyfriend out to the restaurant we went to for trivia, thus making sure to make me feel awkward and horrible at the same time. So I mean...what friendship?

I dont really require much from my friends. Maybe an occasional phone call, text, IM, hangout or something every two weeks. But when it's to the point where I feel like I'm harassing someone to hang out...then that's where I draw the line. I know a lot of my friends are busy people and so am I for the most part. But I always make time to hang out and talk with them and find out whats going on in their lives. And vice-versa. But I'm done trying to make a friendship work when they really wont put in the effort anyways. And what kills me is the boyfriend doesn't even know about the incident. I would never tell him myself cause thats not my place, but it does make me feel horrible. It also makes me think there is more going on behind the scenes with K then I originally thought. Because looking back on it there is no way that incident wasnt in some way spontaneous like he asserts.

So I dont know...that's just one example of things that have been bothering me. I don't want friends that are just going to hang out with me whenever I happen to have alcohol, or because no one else is available to hang out with. I'm not a backup friend and I don't deserve to be treated like one by any of my friends. My friendships are very important to me. I'm trying to have close friends that I can say inappropriate things with and tell about my latest dating disaster and things like that. If you don't want to hang with me cause you feel things are awkward, then just say that. But don't come around and then expect me to forget the fact you dropped off the face of the earth for months. So yea....I'm about to cut a few folks loose. Not out of ill will. But why waste time on something when you clearly don't care about it anyways? But remind me to tell you next time about how I got dumped in a Kroger.....yea...get there....

Apr. 10th, 2008

ONTD

I'm Not Dead Just Yet!

It's been a while, I know. Before all two of you get mad. Let me explain. Crucial life changing shit has been going down in my life. Revelations and epiphanies and shit. So now all you need to know is I am back and I think I am going to start posting more. So let's get to the nitty gritty shall we?

So to get the pink elephant in the room out of the way, yes, I am still single. It's not for lack of trying either. I have been on a date with every Tom, Dick and Harry up in this mug....to no avail. But somewhere along the way of my dating rampage, I suddenly found myself not wanting to date anyone. So to be honest, no matter how much you hear me complain about being single, I actually am enjoying it for the first time. But don't worry. I have a few promising dates coming up. And there will be a "Chris's Dating Disasters" post coming up. Because once police, hospitals and getting dumped in a certain grocery store happen to you, you know thats going to be a story.

But this past year and a half has been so freaking strange and horrible but in a way a good thing. I got fired twice, had a breakup that knocked me on my ass (I'm still recovering), was actually straight up homeless at one point living out of my car, and now I am jobless just chilling out at my house like I don't have a care in the world. I actually have many cares...but that 's not really the point.

The point is..for the past year and some months it's almost like I've been moving in slow motion, while everyone is zipping around me. Like I am in that Madonna, Ray of Light video thing. Everyones been graduating and getting real jobs or getting married or other life changing stuff. And I was kinda wondering why the hell that kind of stuff wasnt happening to me. I put out good karma....I let old ladies go first at the grocery store...So what the fuck was up?

Well, honestly, I have no idea and I still don't. If I had to put my finger on it, I would probably say I had something close to clinical depressiong. I always imagine depressed people on thier couch with a box of used tissues crying into a tub of Ben and Jerry's....and now that I think about it I did that too. And you can rest assured that my sweat pants were always on duty. I'm thinking about burning them to be honest.

The best way to describe it is imagine youve fallen into a deep dark hole. For some reason I knew very well I was in a hole and it was pitch back, but really couldnt find my way out of it. Thats what it was like. And a lot of times even when you know your there, you really dont think you'll ever get out. What caused me to go into this spiral, I have no idea. At least drugs and alcohol cost way too much, but food....that's always a good thing. Anyways, all of a sudden last week, I just got it. I knew how to get out of the hole. I saw the door and said, "Fuck this shit", and I bounced right on out of that motherfucker.

So I'm feeling positive and upbeat about things.I'm all ready to grab life by the horns or whatever gross metaphor people are using these days. I'm not saying I am particularly fixed or cured or whatever, but I do think I have learned some important life lessons and stuff. Now begins the painful rehabilitation process of getting back in shape and making sure I don't fall into this hole again. But I am writing again, so that means you get to come along for the ride with me. So buckle up bitches.....

Jun. 12th, 2007

Back By...Well...Not Popular Demand....

I apologize for the lack of updates, it's not like my life has not been busy or I have a lack of things to talk about. I probably could go on and on about a bunch of things in my life and bitch about them. But, I just didn't feel like it. And I really don't feel like posting now but I'm pretty bored so I figure this would be more constructive than watching more coverage of the Paris Hilton situation.

I've kind of been in a rut since, well....I don't know...I'm going to say January. I would say depression, but I don't really like to use that term because it conjures up images of someone crying in a dark corner, which I probably have done but....who wants to picture me crying in a dark corner? I think people look ugly when they cry anyways. I cant quite place my finger on why I've been down in the dumps. I have not really talked about the whole issue to anyone really. Some of my friends get bits and pieces while some of them probably have no idea that I'm generally unhappy with them and with my life in general. And this is basically because I didnt want to make a big drama about it and even if they did know there wouldent be much they could do about it.

It's interesting to note that the current position I'm in is nowhere near where I thought I would be when I was 17 and entering college. I always imagined at 21 I would be somewhere with a high powered job and a husband or some tottally irrational dream. Looking back, I might have been a bit silly. But...then all I have to do is look around me. I keep running into various people who I went to high school with. Not in person or anything. But on the internet. And....I think last time I counted about 5 of them are getting married. If I'm not mistaken two or three of them have children. And just thinking about how most people I have come into contact with during the last 4 years, a lot of them have changed. And then there's me. Who....while I think I have changed some things in my life, I've remained basically the same. And I'm working two jobs....one of which I hate because of the old people. This isn't where I thought I would be at all and more importantly It's not where I want to be.

I always had a sort of inkling about why I was so unsatisfied with where my life was headed. But I always told myself that at least I had made some good friendships along the way. And I have...I guess. Over the last month or two though, I've come to the realization that these friendships were not nearly as strong as I previously thought. A few of these people were not even my friends at all I found out. I'm not saying all of my friendships were bullshit, but I do feel on some level I was betrayed by people I had considered my best friends. People stealing, or just too involved in their own life to notice I was pretty much self destructing emotionally or whatever. So for four years I spent a lot of energy investing in relationships I always assumed would last well beyond all 50 of my college years, when in reality, I don't think really mattered as much to some of the people I was making them with.

So I've pretty much realized I'm alone. And by alone, I don't mean that I'm single, which I'm not. Nor do I mean that I don't have any friends. Cause I do. And I love my friends and all. But for the most part, I can't really rely on the people that I thought I could. Which isn't exactly a bad thing. Becoming more self reliant isn't so bad. But the past few months have been...well...not so fun...all started by be breaking up with the ex....having to find a new place.....other stuff. All of this pretty much says to me that the last 4 years of my life have been somewhat a waste of time. And that I am pretty much back where I started when I moved into 444 in Creswell. Knowing what I know now....I'm not sure if I could go back if I would have done things the same way.

Reading back through my livejournal entries through the year, I noticed a lot of post...well...a majority of them were dedicated to me complaining about my lack of boyfriend. And looking back on it, yea....I certainly was involved in some crappy situations where my kindness was taken advantage of, or I was mistreated. But I think a lot of my complaining was due to the fact that I thought if I could find a boyfriend everything else would fall into place and then I would be on my way. I no longer think that's the case and in fact I would sort of prefer being single. The funny part is....I'm not. I think a lot of the cause of me being so introspective into my life is based on me and Rich breaking up. And for some reason as sort of a time as we were togther I kind of feel like that relationship will in some way define the rest of whatever relationships I have with whoever. I'm not quite sure why. For instance, Rich was for me, what I would consider someone to be perfectly matched to my personality. I was instantly comfortable around him as well as I think he was comfortable around me. We never argued because I think for some things we were on exactly the same page. I'm not saying we had some otherworldly connection, I'm just saying that is the type of person I envisioned myself with for the rest of my life. Which could explain why every time I think of him I still get that fuzzy feeling in my stomach. Only problem was, he was not quite ready for a serious relationship...or he could have just not liked me...whatever. Compare this with my relationship with the person I am dating now, Victor. The relationship could be described a bit rocky. Our personalities don't click as well, however he is ready for a serious relationship. So it's a bit confusing to me. Because on one hand I do like Victor and I am happy dating him, but he doesn't exactly move me in the way that Rich did and on some level I guess... still does. So the problem isn't so much with Victor....it's with me.

So there you have it. That's what's been going on in my life. I'm not planning on jumping off a bridge or anything, so I don't think anyone who reads this should worry. I much too lazy to actually find a bridge and then climb up it, and then build my confidence up to jump. And while the general course of my life is not going where I want it too right now, and I have little reason to think that it will get much worse or better, I have not totally abandoned hope. I do have a general plan for my next four years, which will hopefully get me on the track to having a good career. So I will be ok. Now if I could just stop gaining weight.....

Apr. 25th, 2007

Hell Yeah!

Calcutta Slacks in Lime Cooler?

So I got a second job. I work at this place called Haband. It's a call center for old people who want clothes. Ugly Clothes. Seriously. Go to the website and look at those things sometimes. The Calcutta slacks....big sellers. They come in colors like Lime Cooler, Raspberry Fizz, and Snow Cone. And don't mess with the old people's free gift. You would think with all this personal time with old people, I would be getting closer to actually enjoying their company. But no....I'm not. And in fact I'm growing to hate them more everyday. Them and their ugly clothing. But I guess it's better than working at...you know...Wal-Mart....oh wait...its not.

What else has been happening. Not much....same old same old. I'm looking forward to this summer. I'm hoping it gives me a chance to have a little fun on my off days. By fun I mean hanging out with this guy I know. Anyone reading my LJ knows I'm usually a big dork when it comes to guys. I tend to mention shit on here that I really should just keep to myself and get overly excited at nothing. Reading back on some old LJ entries, I realize how much I bitch about being single. Oh well...that's just me.

I sorta have met someone. Well...I've known him for a few months now. And we tried the relationship thing, but it didn't go exactly as planned. Anyways....lately we talk probably everyday for a solid 8 hours. Not on the phone of course cause I hate phones. But yea. I'm not too sure where it's going. And honestly I am not too worried about where it's going either. He is one of those people that are like "What will be will be". Which just gets on my nerves because I like to know what the hell is going on. Anyways I guess we just tried to be friends after that. And it turns out that I enjoy talking to him a lot and I think he likes talking to me as well. And I think we both realize that we could have a relationship on the boyfriend level or whatever. Only problem is, I'm not too sure if he is single. Last I heard he was dating someone, but....recently I get the impression that he's not. Of course....I'm trying to be careful and not jump to assumptions because what I think is him hitting on me or trying to take our relationship to the next level could be just him wanting to hang out as friends. But...I am not really too worried about it. Simply because I really am enjoying getting closer to him. It's to the point where I actually really care about him. And we are not even dating or anything yet. I suppose part of me is worried that I will invest so much time and fall for him and he ultimatly will decide that...no...he doesnt want to date me. But....I guess thats the risk... We don't have everything in common that's for sure. But we have been talking for 8 hours...so....obviously we find something to talk about. And personally I like his differences from me. Dating someone like me would be boring and nerve-wracking. I already annoy myself. Anyways...I guess we will just see where it goes. But I really do enjoy him and hope that maybe something more than a friendship comes out of it. Blah blah....enough of that. Back to work

Apr. 9th, 2007

Bitch Please

You Could Really Talk To Me In A Honda....

So I've been getting back out there into the dating scene lately. I figure even if I don't meet the one or whatever, it's still nice to meet new people and meet some new friends. But lately I have been reminded just how much of a freak show it is, and why I really don't enjoy the whole process anyways. I mean....I'm not looking for THE ONE....but lately it's hard to even find someone I want to continue talking to, much less date. Let's review the past two weeks in my dating life.

In the past two weeks....I have had...4 people tell me that they like me and consider me date-worthy....but seeing as they are already dating someone, they can't really do anything about it. Which is fine...and I'm flattered they feel that way. They're all really good guys. Only...it's a bit like second place. It's like winning the lottery, but you can't really spend it because you have to pay the amount you won for a credit card bill. It's just not coming out ahead. But...it is better than nothing and at the very least I will have some good friends out of it. Also of interest was The Monk. This was an actually hardcore practicing monk. He practices something called Urban Monasticism. Which is fine too. What do I care if you like to get your praise and worship on? Hell...Even I can get down to a little gospel now and then. Apparently they don't have to abstain, and can have sex in a committed relationship. Only....as luck would have it. The monk was taken. Not only was he taken, but he is HIV+. Which is not a deal breaker, obviously that puts a damper on any sexual activity there may be (like you really want to know about my sex life). Anyways so I figured we could at least be friends and hang out. Only....about the next day, He wants to hook up with me. Now keep in mind that he has someone he's dating right now. So upon telling him that I didn't think that would jive very well with his practices, he responded by saying that the no sex unless you are in a committed relationship was really more of a guideline than a hard rule. I then told him we were not even in a relationship, so really that would be breaking the rule. Apparently he disagreed and said that us talking constituted a relationship in itself. I was being hit up by a cheating monk. What the hell is this?

The icing on the top of this fucked up cake however came this weekend. Now even though I am fairly sure that I've blocked access on this note from facebook and livejournal to any people connected to this person that could tell him what was written here, I still will change his name. Just out of respect. We will call this character Spade. Now....I had met Spade a few times before. We kicked it and he was a cool guy. He was a little vain, but we all have our flaws and no one is perfect. I certainly am not. He goes to a predominantly black college in Atlanta. You can take your pick of which one he goes to. So he IMs me and he wants to hang out this weekend, and I'm cool with that. Me and Thom ride on down to Atlanta and pick him up. The ride back is peachy. We come back and get ready to go out. He proceeds to drink....well...ok. Let me explain. UGA students have a totally different measurement of drinking than other colleges. For us....9 shots is just getting to that drunk point. Even my ex, who was pretty tiny, could put them away with no problem. I always liked that about him. For other college students apparently, 9 shots is the equivalent to drinking a keg by yourself. So Spade proceeds to get MESSY drunk. This is fine and all. Your in a new town....enjoy yourself. So we go to Detour and all of a sudden things start getting insane. Spade goes up and talks to EVERYONE as if they were lifelong friends. I like introducing myself and all, but I'm not going to walk up to rapists and start chatting. So it just so happens he sounds incredibly like someone else we know that goes to school in Athens. Me not thinking anything about it....told him this. Stupid move. He goes up to this guy and tries to talk to him. The guy brushes him off because he too is drunk and more importantly....well...I just don't think he's very polite anyways. Spade proceeds to get MAD. He starts yelling and threatening to fight the other guy...claiming that he is "Not too cute to beat a bitch up" and he's from "motherfuckin D.C.!!". I'm mortified. So eventually I get him to sit down. He is still going off, and at this point I'm ready to get the hell up out of there because he's embarrassed me in front of people that...while are not my best friends...I still would not like to be embarrassed in front of. So Spade sits down, he's still going off. Well this other guy who I know well is walking up the steps and thinks Spade is talking about him. So they almost get in a fight too. At this point I don't know if I'm mad at spade or the two people for being such easy targets for a drunk. Everyone at UGA knows if you get harassed by a drunk, it's probably not best to egg him on and get offended yourself. So at this point, Spade is so drunk he can't stand up, so we just go home. He proceeds to drool over Thom's backseat.

The next day I made it a point to get him back in a hurry. This was getting too real for me. So the drive back starts well. Then all of a sudden the Tom Cruise crazy breaks out of this kid. Since he goes to school in Atlanta, he thinks UGA is in the country. Which I suppose it is, even if I don't tend to think of it that way. Well, he sees this road called Hog Mountain Road. He freaks out, opens my door in traffic while stopped at the light…and starts taking camera phone pictures. He then gets back in my car, turns up the music all the way to max, finds his songs and starts dancing. Not a nice head nod dancing either. He’s making the whole car move while stopped in traffic. Other highlights include him hanging out my sunroof, as well as putting his feet on my dashboard. At this point I just drop him off back at his school and speed the hell out of there. I discover on 316 however, that not only has he taken my dignity, he’s also stolen my bottle of water and my cigarettes. So at this point…don’t tell me there is nothing strange about my dating luck. I know someone is out there doing voodoo. I need to go visit a shaman to see if I can break this mojo.

Mar. 3rd, 2007

Hell Yeah!

You gon' miss your bus....

So life moves on I guess. It's been a hard month or so. The breakup reallly made me think hard about stuff, but I guess most breakups are like that. I have talked to him since and...I think we are going to be just fine. It's just a long process.....and I'm trying to get rid of all the baggage that came along with it. So...yea....doing good. Little down, but I think I'm getting lots better.

I do have a little problem though. Theres this guy. Let's call him J. J and I have talked since this summer. And I always found him pretty interesting. We talk occasionally....and I think he's cute. And I'm not sure how he feels about me...but I think I might have a little crush on him. Well a few weeks ago...him and I met at Firehouse. Long story short...it was not a good meeting. There was mixed signals and confusion. I guess we both thought the other one was being standoffish. I dunno. It happens sometimes. Anyways tonight I dragged myself out to Detour. I figured it was better than sitting inside and playing video games. And it looked like it was going to be a bit of a bust. Until of course J appeared. Uusally we kinda do the thing where we know the other is in the room but we never really say hey. But...as luck would have it...he actually saw me and said hello. And then we danced. I rarely dance with anyone other than Thom or any other of my homies that are there. But it was a good dance. I actually enjoyed it and him. At the end he told me to call him. I'm not totally sure what he wants me to call for. I'm not thinking he all wants to get his date on with me. And I'm sure he probably think of me as a friend. And thats cool. But...I guess I can see where it goes. I mean there is hanging out or a date This is where things get....you know....hairy. I've never been good at approaching guys. Which I always found funny since a lot of people tend to thing I am some fearless person full of confidence. But as far as it goes with guys....I'm usually really quite shy. Anyways I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of calling him tomorrow and inviting him over for Wii fun and Movies. But...I dunno...it's confusing. So we will see. So if you guys want to write on in...feel free to keep the advice coming.

Feb. 14th, 2007

Bitch Please

Warning: Bumpy Valentines Day is Ahead...

So It's here. The day I have been dreading for quite some time now. 21 years and not one goddamn Valentines. I wonder if that is a record or something. I was so sure this was going to be my year to have one. Bring on the chocolates and balloons and bears and shit. The thing that annoys me the most is the complete lack of consideration that people who do have Valentine's show. I understand your excited because someone loves you...but shit..I don't need to see all that. I'm already alone....no need to shove it in my face. But...I guess if I had ever had a Valentine...I would be waving that shit all around to. Oh wait....I do have a Valentine. I forgot.....I'm getting cable and internet in the apartment....so there.....I am loved...

But......I think I'm doing well in spite of recent circumstances. Every so often I get a little sad or teary eyed. But I think these last few days were an important turning point. I'm not particularly over it....but I am making important progress. To be honest I think the whole ordeal is just sad and stupid and needless and really there was no real damn reason to break up....but what are you going to do? I think he needs to find his way in life or one of those rediculous life things that I never had to go through because I am so damn perfect. But the way i see it....If there really is something there and if we both care about each other like we say we do...then this could possibly only the beginning. And if it isn't and he decides that he never wants to date me again EVER....well then...I did a damn good job at being a boyfriend these last three months and I have nothing to regret. As wierd as it sounds, I feel sort of proud of myself....My first relationship in which it might have actually been something and I kicked ass at it. So go me. I do wonder from time to time if he is genuinly happy that we aren't together and I am not in his life anymore. The bitter breakup part of me wants to say no, but the part that likes him still wants to hope that he is. So really I am kind of conflicted. But I guess that is pretty natural.

I think the funny part of this whole breakup process is that I keep having wierd thoughts of him dating other people. People I don't like at all. I guess that is because of the fact that if he really were to date another guy, then really it would just mean that the reason he broke up was because of me and not because I was a boy and he was uncomfortable about that. I dunno. The whole rational for the breakup still makes no sense to me....and besides...who the hell gives up free sex whenever you want it?!?!!? But really I just miss the kid. And I want to say he misses me, but I never have been the one to break up with someone so I don't really know that point of view and how that works. I think the part that I miss the most is just knowing in the back of your mind that someone cares about you and wants to be with you. I mean....obviously we all have friends and stuff, but I dont really want to hug Thom, Sara or Ezra intimatly and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. I guess it is sad that somehow I think this is some badly planned joke or some huge mistake and he will end up changing his mind. But....I'm moving on. I'll always have a soft spot for him, and I don't think I will ever be tottally over him. He really didnt do anything wrong. I just think he was confused and he just needs to figure out some stuff. And I think he knows that if he ever changed his mind, he's always welcome back. So there you have it....Valentines Day 2007. God it sucks...I guess I will spend it with Thom....bitching about men and watching sex and the cit......Here's hoping that 2008 will be better for everyone who is single.

Feb. 6th, 2007

Timing is everything.....Especially with Animorphs....

Lately I have been struggling with things to occupy my time with. I could get with the program and look for another job, but somehow that just depresses me and so I just watch Sex and The City DVDs and contemplate my life.

Today was actually a really bad day. I think this is due to the fact that I ran across a conversation I had with my ex last night on my computer. The most hurtful thing about this whole situation is that I keep remembering how happy I was in D.C. and at other times. That's not to say I won't be happy again, it's just dissapointing to think that I might never be happy with him again. I guess I feel like the relationship was unfulfilled on some level. I really thought that this would be different from my other relationships and that this one had a chance to make it. I never did get to do half the things for him I wanted to. And now I guess it's difficult to think that he will move on and do those things with another person and that I will just sort of fade from his memory. But...as long as he is happy...then I guess I will be ok. It's a slow process, but I feel like I'm starting to pick myself back up.

It also could be due to the fact that my parents called me to yell about writing a check for rent money, and how it was irresponsible not to deposit the money first and then write the check and how much of a screw up I have been. I don't think they mean to be particularly hurtful when they speak to me, but they always have a way of making me feel like I am not turning out to be the wonderful son that they want. And they wonder why I don't call. Oh well....few more years to go with them...

The one bright spot that made me feel better today was a conversation I had with someone. And every time I talk to him I always find myself pretty happy. I guess it's safe to say that I have a big crush on the person I had the conversation with. Every time we talk we always find that we have the same stuff in common. And not just things like...we both like cheese. But really weird shit that I thought made me pretty unique, but that he apparently does as well. The conversation is always fun and we most often are on the same page with each other. It's nice to feel like I have someone that recognizes the amazingness that is Animorphs and to be shown some attention. Of course as fate would have it....He is off limits as he is seeing someone and is happy with them. And I respect that. I'm no homewrecker. And anyways there is no assurance that he would like me even if he was single. I just wish I had better timing so I'd know for sure.

The conversation got me thinking how much I miss how life was uncomplicated. How when in middle school, everything was so simple. I never wanted a boyfriend or love or money. All that it took to satisfy me was the new Animorph book. All I had were my Animorph books and that's really all I needed. Which I guess is sad on some level, but I really miss those days. Now with rent money due and going to school and relationships, I feel like I'm getting progressively unhappier as time moves on. I sort of feel like I'm in some weird stage in my life where I'm moving on to a new level or becoming an adult or some pretentious emo thing like that. I just wish it were all much simpler. In the meantime though...there is always those conversations about Animorphs....

Jan. 26th, 2007

Bitch Please

Heartburn sucks....

I don't know why I only update my Livejournal when significant things happen to me. But yea....What's been going on in my life. Well....the guy I was with broke up with me. And I wish I could say I am doing fine and dandy and have a date tomorrow....but..I'm not. It would be easy to lie to myself and everyone else and act like this didn't affect me. But to be honest I feel like my heart is ripped out. Either that or I have heartburn.

As far as I can remember, I never particularly was an emotional person. Some people would say different, but other than anger or sarcasm, I really am not the type of person to cry when something bad happens. I may feel sad for a few days or whatever, but I don't recall any huge breakdowns or anything. But I think the fact that this breakup completly took me by suprise is what hurts so much. I wish it were as simple as "he cheated" or " your too fat!", because that's something I can deal with. You can mark the person a bastard and move on. But how am I supposed to react to " I just don't feel the same as you anymore"? I don't think thats something any amount of brownies (even though I ate a whole pan and hid in my room) can fix. Despite my friends telling me that "It's out of your hands", I still feel like there was something I could have done.

This whole situation caught me flat-footed. And now I'm left depressed, single, and Yahoo Health tells me that I'm obese. I don't quite understand his reasoning. And I'm not sure I want to. Because as much as I have thought about it, the whole relationship comes down to me feeling as if I was his experiment. You can chop it up any way you like, but when it comes down to it, once the shine wore off the fact that this was his first relationship with a dude and he got tired of it, he left. And the part that kills me is that I did so much. I did everything I possibly could do to be considered a good bf, and still...it wasnt enough. I bought into all his talk about being together and feeling comfortable around each other and all that other jazz. All that energy and focus that I directed towards him feels like it was for nothing. So I don't know. I don't know what to do or where to go next in life. I'm not saying he was my life or anything, but I did spend a lot of time with subject pertaining to him. So now I'm lost. I actually am considering moving back to Gwinnett. Then again...being back in my parents house is more depressing when I think about it.

But I guess this all comes with the territory. So the best I can do is pick myself up and keep on trucking. Or in the case of Friday, drink. I'm going to be fine once I stop hyperventilating when I think of him. Because I don't think he has the same reaction when he thinks of me. In fact to be honest, I don't think he cares. I find it hard to belive that anyone that could do this to someone could care. So yea....I'll be fine. I would like some gummy worms...but...yea....I'm in no condition to be going to Wal-Mart. Anyways...hopefully the next time I post, I'll have more happy stuff to post about.

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